i found the following two quotes while reading Anne Lamott - Grace (eventually)

"prayer is not asking for what you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can’t imagine." - Kathleen Norris

"where is the Life we have lost in living?" - t.s. eliot

The battle with my body – perhaps I should stop that sentence there as this give insight into my struggle. Perhaps because I see it as battling with my body, I continually fail. Maybe the answer lies in making peace within myself, making peace with my body. It definitely deserves better than I give it. I deserve better. There was always an under current of self-deprecation that was acceptable and even somewhat encouraged or expected in my home. It was all tied into being a good Christian – with the whole unworthy of grace, sinful nature and needing to be humble thing. Not that there isn’t some validity in not being completely narcissistic, but I think that mentality, that we don’t deserve to treat ourselves well, to take care of ourselves is misguided at best, and devastating at worst. It feeds the vicious cycle of losing and gaining weight and of punishing myself – emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually – when I fail, once again. Part of that punishment comes in the form of abusing my body even more with lack of movement and less than ideal nourishment. Part of that punishment (and perhaps more destructive because it creates isolation) is avoiding relationships with people because I feel ashamed of what I’ve done to my physical self. There are individuals that I dearly cherish that I haven’t seen often over the last few years because I was too embarrassed of my appearance. I know that doesn’t allow for much trust and grace. God help me.

I need to be more gentle with myself. I need to recognize what a gift my body is, how amazing its processes are, how strong it is – even though I’ve neglected it for far too long.


miz fuhrell said...

your thoughts are in a healthy place, which is - I think - well over half the battle. and I am journeying right along side you. and, moreover, would be thrilled to see you no matter what.

michelle said...

yes, i do believe there was a proposed trip to your neck 'o the woods in the coming weeks. let me know if you've got a saturday free.

and thank you for the encouragement...that i would be good.

Anonymous said...

Hi Michelle. Thanks for the honest writing. I echo Miz Fuhrell's sentiments. And in no way to lessen or make light of your words, but it is so interesting to me that we as humans are most clever and adamently persistent at finding ways to self-loath. You feel uncomfortable in your skin for certain reasons, but I at times feel uncomfortable in mine, for other reasons.

I wish you greater and greater levels of self-acceptance, coupled with healthy (physically, but even more importantly, mentally/spiritually) choices.

And I would love to see you too. I have an art show opening here at MVNU next Sunday from 2-4. The paintings might be questionable, but the music will kick ass.

"The body is a stairway of skin, I open the door and let you in..." -OTR