mirrors

But we aren't always careful of our mirrors. I'm not. I made the mistake of thinking that I 'ought' not to write because I wasn't making money, and therefore in the eyes of many people around me I had no business to spend hours every day at the typewriter. I felt a failure not only because my books weren't being published but because I couldn't emulate our neighboring New England housewives. I was looking in the wrong mirros. I still do, and far too often. I catch myself at it, but usually afterwards...I've looked for an image in someone else's mirror, and so have avoided seeing myself.

Madeline L'Engle is killing me softly. i've spent my whole life looking in mirrors - right and wrong mirrors. as ani writes, i've "pour[ed myself] into the mold made for [me]." i don't know that many in my life have done it, made molds, intentionally, trying to rule over or control me. i think i've done it to myself, to be pleasing, to avoid conflict, to fit, to win love. i've been the 'cheery outgoing flirty' girl, the 'i've got issues too' girl, the 'i've got it all together' girl. i suppose there is a shadow of me in each of these women, but learning to become a person...i thought i was well on my way. seeing the Truth laid out bare in Madeline's words, i know there is a long way to go.

perhaps i'm a silly female, but i thoroughly enjoy "sex and the city". in one of my favorite scenes, miranda asks carrie "how long was it before you felt normal again?" and carrie responds "any day now"

any day now, turning away from the wrong mirrors, wishing to really see myself again.