Some people do not have to search - they find their niche early in life and rest there, seemingly contented and resigned. They do not seem to ask much of life, sometimes they do not seem to take it seriously. At times I envy them, but usually I do not understand them - seldom do they understand me.

I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter.

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.

~James Kavanaugh

a few things

what i did this evening








what i'm reading these days







enjoy these cool evenings. be outside.

in and out

perhaps this is just me, but there are certain songs that just help me breathe a little better. for instance, the song Kissing You by Des’ree – best known from this lovely film. from the opening piano strains my eyes close and my chest rises.

"…watching stars without you, my soul cries…"

there is just something about that music that enables a deep breath – a large inhale and a slow exhale.

this is just one of many for me. are there songs that open up a space in you?

She

i am notoriously bad at keeping up on this blog. there are many reasons - generally the only time i'm on the computer is at work, i find it difficult knowing how much to share, i write many posts in my head - while i'm driving, in the shower, etc - and can't for the life of me remember what i was going to say when i'm actually in front of the computer screen...and last but not least, but probably the most likely is that i continuously self edit and that doesn't work well when you're trying to write on a regular basis.

well, i'm going to give it a try, to simply write. truthfully, honestly, perhaps poorly, but i will write. i've been away awhile - well She has been away awhile. She is the one discovered after the pretending was over and the masks were removed. She was the one living inside - the artist, the musician, the writer, the lover. She was bright and passionate and geniune and i was instantly drawn to her. there are certain dear friends that welcomed her and allowed her to have a voice. over time and through life events She retreated again. i've missed her, this authentic self. i've invited her to come out and play. we're reading wonderful books together - Julia Cameron and SARK, and we're writing every day, and we just signed up for photography classes (learning to develop black and white in a dark room!!!). over time i hope that this "we" can become me again. it will take putting one foot in front of the other and continuing to walk hand in hand with those deepest desires. learning to accept the whole instead of only a part. not being afraid of criticism. not allowing any boxes. setting healthy boundaries for myself. learning a bit of self care. it's a process. a journey. a path that i will always walk, that may have many meandering curves, with some deep valleys, steep hills and breathtaking views. i have lost enough time.

peace to you.

Afternoon Mix

with itunes on shuffle - it was a good afternoon.

Hallowed – Jennifer Knapp A Diamond in the Rough Disc 2
He Leadeth Me – The Martins An a Cappella Hymns Collection
Unbreakable – Alicia Keys Unplugged
Elephant – Damien Rice 9
The Mind of Christ – Truth One
Pastures of Plenty – Allison Krauss Lonely Runs Both Ways
Fever – Over the Rhine Live From Nowhere Vol 1
Joy to the World – from Lifted: Songs of the Spirit compilation
I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You – Colin Hay Garden State Soundtrack
All I Need Is Everything – Over the Rhine Changes Come (Live)
We’re Gonna Pull Through – Over the Rhine Snow Angels
Blue Eyes – Cary Brothers Garden State Soundtrack
Drunkard’s Prayer – Over the Rhine Drunkard’s Prayer
What I’ll Remember Most – Over the Rhine Ohio Disc 1
Grey – Ani DiFranco Reveling/Reckoning
Orphan Girl – Over the Rhine Live From Nowhere Vol. 2
Stop and Stare – One Republic Dreaming Out Loud
Hush Now (Tipsy Gypsy Mix) – Over the Rhine Live From Nowhere Vol. 2
Etcetera Whatever – Over the Rhine Good Dog Bad Dog
9 Crimes – Damien Rice 9
Crazy As Me – Allison Krauss Lonely Runs Both Ways
Wild Horses – Alicia Keys and Adam Levine Unplugged
Una Notte A Napoli – Pink Martini Hang On Little Tomato
Lifelong Fling – Over the Rhine Ohio Disc 1
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing – Sufjan Stevens Hark! Songs For Christmas Vol 1

howard zinn

p.s.

amber, i think i have you beat for "blogger of year"!!

confession

i found the following two quotes while reading Anne Lamott - Grace (eventually)

"prayer is not asking for what you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can’t imagine." - Kathleen Norris

"where is the Life we have lost in living?" - t.s. eliot

The battle with my body – perhaps I should stop that sentence there as this give insight into my struggle. Perhaps because I see it as battling with my body, I continually fail. Maybe the answer lies in making peace within myself, making peace with my body. It definitely deserves better than I give it. I deserve better. There was always an under current of self-deprecation that was acceptable and even somewhat encouraged or expected in my home. It was all tied into being a good Christian – with the whole unworthy of grace, sinful nature and needing to be humble thing. Not that there isn’t some validity in not being completely narcissistic, but I think that mentality, that we don’t deserve to treat ourselves well, to take care of ourselves is misguided at best, and devastating at worst. It feeds the vicious cycle of losing and gaining weight and of punishing myself – emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually – when I fail, once again. Part of that punishment comes in the form of abusing my body even more with lack of movement and less than ideal nourishment. Part of that punishment (and perhaps more destructive because it creates isolation) is avoiding relationships with people because I feel ashamed of what I’ve done to my physical self. There are individuals that I dearly cherish that I haven’t seen often over the last few years because I was too embarrassed of my appearance. I know that doesn’t allow for much trust and grace. God help me.

I need to be more gentle with myself. I need to recognize what a gift my body is, how amazing its processes are, how strong it is – even though I’ve neglected it for far too long.

it doesn't take much

having my itunes on shuffle not only provides a great background for my work day, but also gives me some unexpected amusement. for instance when i'm listening to "Rejoice Greatly, O Daughter of Zion" from the Messiah and the very next song is Over the Rhine's version of "Fever" - good times.

church

As I was (not) so gently reminded by ang, it has been quite some time since I’ve posted here. I always feel a bit guilty because I am one of those I-read-your-blog-everyday-why-haven’t-you-posted-anything-new-in-two-weeks kind of people. So, I’ll give it a shot – the whole posting more often thing.

So, today, I’d like to pose a question for all two readers.

Is anyone else bothered by the lyrics “I will shout your fame” when referring to Christ?

Perhaps I am overly sensitive or judgmental or both. Or perhaps it was just the cumulative effects of a Starbucks in the lobby, the joke about emailing on the blackberry during service from people leading music on the platform and the very self-centered - not God focused - songs that had come before. Or the fact that I haven’t been in more than a handful of traditional (well not traditional in the historical church sense, but in the 3 praise songs with clapping and a little swaying, prayer, another song, prayer, sermon, song, benediction prayer sense) church services in the past four years or so, but I was pretty darn uncomfortable singing about shouting and fame when it was in reference to my very gentle-spirited, quiet and unassuming Jesus. I know there are extremely bold and quite rebellious aspects of His character discussed in the gospels as well as his gentleness and penchant for going off alone, but “shout His fame???” really? Shouting? And fame?

I was really missing How Great Thou Art and When I Survey…

Perhaps it’s not my community, but I hope to find one soon. It has been too long.

tis the season

the husband and i talked about when we say Christ brought peace to the earth that really, he didn't BRING peace, but He WAS Peace and that it was only in following his path that peace would ever truly be a possibility. and taking that to the next level, is the reason we have so much violence, dissonance, hatred, because the "christians" are not really followers of Christ - not doing the peaceful work of Christ? obviously there are many layers to this question and the issues surrounding it, but i do believe that we are desparately missing something in our mainstream "christian" lives. the violence of the last few weeks has only heightened that awareness for me. from the recent nationally publicized shootings in alaska, colorado and nebraska to the violence that we heard of every day when living in Cleveland. it is so easy to be lulled into unawareness, to go about my everyday priviged life and ignore the pain around. going even further, i could succumb to resignation as i've seen happen to many in my parents generation. the argument i've heard on more than one occassion 'well the world is going to end soon anyway with Christ's return and the bible promised no peace until then, so why bother.' perhaps not word for word, but that is the general mindset. but why shouldn't we bother? i thought that was the whole point - to be deeply bothered by the hatred and suffering and brokenness and violence. to be moved in our guts, our entrails, to be physically pained by injustice. i won't sit down on the steps. i won't forget the prayer "your kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven". i believe that is the true call - to be a part of bringing the Kingdom here. to change this hell that we're living in. to live in peace and promote that among the nations...all of them. period.

deep breath. step down from the soapbox. extending a hand. i bid you peace for your day, your week. we can all make the change.