love can turn this around

2009-06-05T14:02:00.002-04:00

Some people do not have to search - they find their niche early in life and rest there, seemingly contented and resigned. They do not seem to ask much of life, sometimes they do not seem to take it seriously. At times I envy them, but usually I do not understand them - seldom do they understand me.

I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter.

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.

~James Kavanaugh

a few things

2008-09-09T21:12:00.005-04:00

what i did this evening

what i'm reading these days

enjoy these cool evenings. be outside.

in and out

2008-09-05T15:50:00.002-04:00

perhaps this is just me, but there are certain songs that just help me breathe a little better. for instance, the song Kissing You by Des’ree – best known from this lovely film. from the opening piano strains my eyes close and my chest rises.

"…watching stars without you, my soul cries…"

there is just something about that music that enables a deep breath – a large inhale and a slow exhale.

this is just one of many for me. are there songs that open up a space in you?

She

2008-09-04T20:49:00.004-04:00

i am notoriously bad at keeping up on this blog. there are many reasons - generally the only time i'm on the computer is at work, i find it difficult knowing how much to share, i write many posts in my head - while i'm driving, in the shower, etc - and can't for the life of me remember what i was going to say when i'm actually in front of the computer screen...and last but not least, but probably the most likely is that i continuously self edit and that doesn't work well when you're trying to write on a regular basis.

well, i'm going to give it a try, to simply write. truthfully, honestly, perhaps poorly, but i will write. i've been away awhile - well She has been away awhile. She is the one discovered after the pretending was over and the masks were removed. She was the one living inside - the artist, the musician, the writer, the lover. She was bright and passionate and geniune and i was instantly drawn to her. there are certain dear friends that welcomed her and allowed her to have a voice. over time and through life events She retreated again. i've missed her, this authentic self. i've invited her to come out and play. we're reading wonderful books together - Julia Cameron and SARK, and we're writing every day, and we just signed up for photography classes (learning to develop black and white in a dark room!!!). over time i hope that this "we" can become me again. it will take putting one foot in front of the other and continuing to walk hand in hand with those deepest desires. learning to accept the whole instead of only a part. not being afraid of criticism. not allowing any boxes. setting healthy boundaries for myself. learning a bit of self care. it's a process. a journey. a path that i will always walk, that may have many meandering curves, with some deep valleys, steep hills and breathtaking views. i have lost enough time.

peace to you.

Afternoon Mix

2008-07-31T16:32:00.002-04:00

with itunes on shuffle - it was a good afternoon.

Hallowed – Jennifer Knapp A Diamond in the Rough Disc 2
He Leadeth Me – The Martins An a Cappella Hymns Collection
Unbreakable – Alicia Keys Unplugged
Elephant – Damien Rice 9
The Mind of Christ – Truth One
Pastures of Plenty – Allison Krauss Lonely Runs Both Ways
Fever – Over the Rhine Live From Nowhere Vol 1
Joy to the World – from Lifted: Songs of the Spirit compilation
I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You – Colin Hay Garden State Soundtrack
All I Need Is Everything – Over the Rhine Changes Come (Live)
We’re Gonna Pull Through – Over the Rhine Snow Angels
Blue Eyes – Cary Brothers Garden State Soundtrack
Drunkard’s Prayer – Over the Rhine Drunkard’s Prayer
What I’ll Remember Most – Over the Rhine Ohio Disc 1
Grey – Ani DiFranco Reveling/Reckoning
Orphan Girl – Over the Rhine Live From Nowhere Vol. 2
Stop and Stare – One Republic Dreaming Out Loud
Hush Now (Tipsy Gypsy Mix) – Over the Rhine Live From Nowhere Vol. 2
Etcetera Whatever – Over the Rhine Good Dog Bad Dog
9 Crimes – Damien Rice 9
Crazy As Me – Allison Krauss Lonely Runs Both Ways
Wild Horses – Alicia Keys and Adam Levine Unplugged
Una Notte A Napoli – Pink Martini Hang On Little Tomato
Lifelong Fling – Over the Rhine Ohio Disc 1
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing – Sufjan Stevens Hark! Songs For Christmas Vol 1

howard zinn

2008-05-09T12:46:00.000-04:00

p.s.

2008-04-01T13:05:00.002-04:00

amber, i think i have you beat for "blogger of year"!!

confession

2008-04-01T13:00:00.003-04:00

i found the following two quotes while reading Anne Lamott - Grace (eventually)

"prayer is not asking for what you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can’t imagine." - Kathleen Norris

"where is the Life we have lost in living?" - t.s. eliot

The battle with my body – perhaps I should stop that sentence there as this give insight into my struggle. Perhaps because I see it as battling with my body, I continually fail. Maybe the answer lies in making peace within myself, making peace with my body. It definitely deserves better than I give it. I deserve better. There was always an under current of self-deprecation that was acceptable and even somewhat encouraged or expected in my home. It was all tied into being a good Christian – with the whole unworthy of grace, sinful nature and needing to be humble thing. Not that there isn’t some validity in not being completely narcissistic, but I think that mentality, that we don’t deserve to treat ourselves well, to take care of ourselves is misguided at best, and devastating at worst. It feeds the vicious cycle of losing and gaining weight and of punishing myself – emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually – when I fail, once again. Part of that punishment comes in the form of abusing my body even more with lack of movement and less than ideal nourishment. Part of that punishment (and perhaps more destructive because it creates isolation) is avoiding relationships with people because I feel ashamed of what I’ve done to my physical self. There are individuals that I dearly cherish that I haven’t seen often over the last few years because I was too embarrassed of my appearance. I know that doesn’t allow for much trust and grace. God help me.

I need to be more gentle with myself. I need to recognize what a gift my body is, how amazing its processes are, how strong it is – even though I’ve neglected it for far too long.

it doesn't take much

2008-02-05T10:33:00.000-05:00

having my itunes on shuffle not only provides a great background for my work day, but also gives me some unexpected amusement. for instance when i'm listening to "Rejoice Greatly, O Daughter of Zion" from the Messiah and the very next song is Over the Rhine's version of "Fever" - good times.

church

2008-01-25T15:07:00.000-05:00

As I was (not) so gently reminded by ang, it has been quite some time since I’ve posted here. I always feel a bit guilty because I am one of those I-read-your-blog-everyday-why-haven’t-you-posted-anything-new-in-two-weeks kind of people. So, I’ll give it a shot – the whole posting more often thing.

So, today, I’d like to pose a question for all two readers.

Is anyone else bothered by the lyrics “I will shout your fame” when referring to Christ?

Perhaps I am overly sensitive or judgmental or both. Or perhaps it was just the cumulative effects of a Starbucks in the lobby, the joke about emailing on the blackberry during service from people leading music on the platform and the very self-centered - not God focused - songs that had come before. Or the fact that I haven’t been in more than a handful of traditional (well not traditional in the historical church sense, but in the 3 praise songs with clapping and a little swaying, prayer, another song, prayer, sermon, song, benediction prayer sense) church services in the past four years or so, but I was pretty darn uncomfortable singing about shouting and fame when it was in reference to my very gentle-spirited, quiet and unassuming Jesus. I know there are extremely bold and quite rebellious aspects of His character discussed in the gospels as well as his gentleness and penchant for going off alone, but “shout His fame???” really? Shouting? And fame?

I was really missing How Great Thou Art and When I Survey…

Perhaps it’s not my community, but I hope to find one soon. It has been too long.

tis the season

2007-12-11T14:03:00.000-05:00

the husband and i talked about when we say Christ brought peace to the earth that really, he didn't BRING peace, but He WAS Peace and that it was only in following his path that peace would ever truly be a possibility. and taking that to the next level, is the reason we have so much violence, dissonance, hatred, because the "christians" are not really followers of Christ - not doing the peaceful work of Christ? obviously there are many layers to this question and the issues surrounding it, but i do believe that we are desparately missing something in our mainstream "christian" lives. the violence of the last few weeks has only heightened that awareness for me. from the recent nationally publicized shootings in alaska, colorado and nebraska to the violence that we heard of every day when living in Cleveland. it is so easy to be lulled into unawareness, to go about my everyday priviged life and ignore the pain around. going even further, i could succumb to resignation as i've seen happen to many in my parents generation. the argument i've heard on more than one occassion 'well the world is going to end soon anyway with Christ's return and the bible promised no peace until then, so why bother.' perhaps not word for word, but that is the general mindset. but why shouldn't we bother? i thought that was the whole point - to be deeply bothered by the hatred and suffering and brokenness and violence. to be moved in our guts, our entrails, to be physically pained by injustice. i won't sit down on the steps. i won't forget the prayer "your kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven". i believe that is the true call - to be a part of bringing the Kingdom here. to change this hell that we're living in. to live in peace and promote that among the nations...all of them. period.

deep breath. step down from the soapbox. extending a hand. i bid you peace for your day, your week. we can all make the change.

8 random things

2007-12-04T10:29:00.000-05:00

ok, so dear Amber tagged me for an 8 random things post about 9 million years ago - which i never posted. now that the living in two places, trying to find a job, trying to stay financially afloat living in two places and trying to find a job saga is over (more on that later), ladies and gentlemen, here it is, 8 random things you might not (and may never want to) know about me:

1. i have never decorated for Christmas (or any other holiday for that matter) until this year. i always lived in small spaces with very little storage and i was trying to keep things simple. now that i'm married and we live in a bigger space, i was desiring a bit of holiday nostalgia and wanting to create some of our own. it should be fun.

2. i'm a picky eater. i really really really try not to be and i like some really strange foods that others might not from hummus to sweet pickles. but alas, that doesn't change that i HATE sour cream, cottage cheese, cream cheese (so cheese cake is out), most seafood, beets, and so on. thankfully i love most veggies and fruits and breads of all kind. so i think i'll survive my picky-ness.

3. i really love Christmas music - i've been listening since october. the Messiah, over the rhine, harry connick, even a little mariah carey (sad but true, but i will defend it by saying that it was early mariah from the mid 90s), nat king cole and bing crosby. just love it all. and finally singing Christmas hymns. love it.

4. i really enjoy baking, but don't do it much. i'm hosting Christmas at my place this year, so i think there will be ample opportunities for baking!

5. i'm getting ready to start a new job soon and i still have that 13 year-old "i hope they like" girl inside.

6. i don't like talking on the phone - very often at least.

7. i'm really terrible at keeping up on my blog writing (more obvious than random)

8. in my 31st year, i'm beginning to understand what my mom was saying all these years "i'm not concerned much with getting older, but i really don't feel [insert age here]". it's just strange to be firmly in my 3rd decade...strange and beautiful journey.

so there you have it. 8 random things.

let it in

2007-10-08T17:05:00.001-04:00

i recently finished "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. in the last section of the book she writes of a time of meditation in Indonesia. she took time to look at all of her sorrow, all of her anger, and all of her shame (jealousy, selfishness, arrogance)...each moment she could remember. for each of these memories she acknowledged its existence, experienced it again in all of its pain and frustration and debilitation, blessed it and invited it into her heart, saying to each moment "It's OK, I love you. I accept you. You can rest here. You are welcome here. Come into my heart now. It's over." as a Christian, in the simplest explanation of salvation that is taught to the little ones, Christ lives in our heart. takes up residence there. in reading this, i thought it a beaufiful expression of trust and abandonment - experiencing each moment of our lives in a quiet, honest space and inviting it to find rest, to leave the space in our mind where we are tormented by the continuous existence of these moments - always brought forward in our dark and doubtful times. i know full well that there will still be memories, still moments of self-deprication, still heartbreaking loneliness...but i also know full well that i can continue to invite those moments into my heart, to find Rest, to find a Voice of truth, to find release.

be well friends.

a circle of quiet

2007-09-13T12:36:00.000-04:00

i'm not sure how i missed this but she passed away last friday. i have read a few of her books and certainly intend to read more.

i am currently re-reading a circle of quiet and it is good for the soul. i deeply enjoy her candor and her depth. bright evening star was a beautiful short book. i remember most the story about sitting on the wall of the chapel while traveling in scotland with friends, remembering how much pain was caused there due to religious war. it was heartbreaking and heavy and gentle.

today i honor her life.

i'm so there

2007-08-16T14:58:00.000-04:00

The Trumpet Child World Wide Release Concert
On August 31st, Over the Rhine will kick off THE TRUMPET CHILD 2007 WORLD TOUR with a gala Album Release Concert at beautiful Coney Island Moonlight Gardens in Cincinnati, Ohio

Robert and I will be in attendance. Anyone else want to join?

observations from the ladies room

2007-08-06T13:52:00.000-04:00

things i've noticed in the public restroom lately:

- the care instructions in the back of my hanes says "machine wash warm. do not iron." seriously. just in case you were thinking about it, do not iron these underwear. seriously. anyone out there ironing their underwear???? i'm lucky if my pants get ironed in my mad, i'm-running-late-again dash to work in the morning.

- women have a high propensity for talking to each other while in the stalls. i'm all for friendliness ladies, but it's slightly uncomfortable having a conversation while my pants are down to my knees. so, unless you're family, let's talk while we wash our hands.

- and speaking of washing hands...please, i'm begging, if you're a non-handwasher; first, gross, wash your hands!!! and second, at least pretend to wash them when you're in there with another person. and another small point, just running water over them for 1.3 seconds with no soap is really quite pointless. don't even bother. p.s. i'm never going to take the pen that you offer me when i'm trying to fill out that inter-office envelope. thanks anyway.

in the land of plenty

2007-08-01T12:41:00.001-04:00

#1 lesson of 2007 (i thought i already knew, but never had to put into practice):

i can live with so much less (sub-revelation, i am very greedy)

the first part of the lesson came when we moved our 15' truck full of stuff to dayton in june. as you may have already read, i'm still in cleveland due to lack 'o employment in dayton (for now). so, i kept behind a few essentials - air mattress, a few dishes/silverware/cookware, bathroom stuff, an 11" TV, DVD player and a small folding "saucer" chair, plus some clothes and sheets/towels. it can all fit in my little car. and i'm not missing anything (and could probably give up more). it's nice to have a couch and a bed that's not on the floor and my books, but it's nicer to know that i can live without it.

the second part of the lesson came when i chose to visit a doctor that specializes in weight management, who put me on a very strict diet. i had ignored my health for quite a long time and was completely out of control. i probably eat a quarter of what i was eating prior to the doctor's visit. and i'm not starving.

i was talking to a friend yesterday about this lesson and she shared that she was learning that over-eating isn't so much about gluttony as it is about greed - hording, like we'll never eat again. and it's true, there were times when i'd be starting a "diet" on Monday, so i ate everything that i thought would be so difficult to live without the weekend prior to starting. such a twisted, unhealthy, greedy mentality. add in the fact that while i'm hording, there are people starving and i've got a whole new lesson. God help me.

i am thankful for being forced into staying behind in Cleveland. may the eyes of my eyes be opened.

mirrors

2007-07-31T12:31:00.000-04:00

But we aren't always careful of our mirrors. I'm not. I made the mistake of thinking that I 'ought' not to write because I wasn't making money, and therefore in the eyes of many people around me I had no business to spend hours every day at the typewriter. I felt a failure not only because my books weren't being published but because I couldn't emulate our neighboring New England housewives. I was looking in the wrong mirros. I still do, and far too often. I catch myself at it, but usually afterwards...I've looked for an image in someone else's mirror, and so have avoided seeing myself.

Madeline L'Engle is killing me softly. i've spent my whole life looking in mirrors - right and wrong mirrors. as ani writes, i've "pour[ed myself] into the mold made for [me]." i don't know that many in my life have done it, made molds, intentionally, trying to rule over or control me. i think i've done it to myself, to be pleasing, to avoid conflict, to fit, to win love. i've been the 'cheery outgoing flirty' girl, the 'i've got issues too' girl, the 'i've got it all together' girl. i suppose there is a shadow of me in each of these women, but learning to become a person...i thought i was well on my way. seeing the Truth laid out bare in Madeline's words, i know there is a long way to go.

perhaps i'm a silly female, but i thoroughly enjoy "sex and the city". in one of my favorite scenes, miranda asks carrie "how long was it before you felt normal again?" and carrie responds "any day now"

any day now, turning away from the wrong mirrors, wishing to really see myself again.

whiney pants

2007-07-13T12:25:00.000-04:00

so, today it's off on the weekly trek to dayton for the weekend. we've only been doing this for a month now, but it seems like it's been forever. i will be so thankful when i finally get a job...got rejections from two other positions just yesterday. good times.

usually i'm a "if-we're-just-patient-it-will-all-work-out-in-the-end-so-much-better-than-you-ever-imagined" kind of girl, and i've had experience upon experience that has taught me so. but today i'm a "c'mon-God-i'm-really-tired-of-waiting" kind of girl. don't get me wrong, i'm not sitting around doing nothing just waiting for the perfect employer with the perfect job to just call me up out of the blue, making God more of a magician than anything else. i've applied to at least 50 jobs now...and nothing. not. one. interview. just about 10 rejections and the rest are out in HR oblivion.

ok, enough whining for now. in the end, i know it will all work out.

sad face

2007-07-12T16:43:00.000-04:00

living apart from your husband sucks. anyone know of any good jobs in Dayton/Cincinnati?

a few losses

2007-06-27T12:07:00.000-04:00

first my deepest apologies for not having the long-promised bonfire gathering at my apt on the lake, affectionately known as Narnia. it seems i let time rule me for the last year and a half. and now, as of tomorrow, i will no longer reside in the beautiful old mansion overlooking lake erie. i will have to post some pictures eventually of the beautiful backyard with the 300+ year old tree - the only thing that stood between the house and the rocky shore of the lake. i will miss the quietness of this home, the strength of our big tree, the many moods of the water. i felt more at home here than anywhere. i will miss the deer, the rabbits, the many birds including a wild turkey and a couple of eagles - all of this about 2 miles from downtown Cleveland. i won't miss the skunks or the may flys though. i will miss the skyline and Indians games and the varied cultures and backgrounds that i am surrounded by here and have grown accustomed to. we moved all of our belongings almost two weeks ago and i started saying goodbye then. it will be wonderful when i finally find a job, but until then i will continue saying goodbye to this great city that grows on you.

thank-full

2007-05-31T10:17:00.000-04:00

memorial day weekend was full of family fun. for the first time in a long time, we were all together - mom, dad, my sister, her husband and little miles, and my brother, his wife and their two kids, gretchen and jacob, along w/ my dad's mom. there is always a little anxiety going into a weekend spent in one house with 9 adults and 3 kids under the age of 3. but it really was such a great time. i'm so in love with my niece and nephews - such great kids. my niece (2 1/2) calls my nephew "miser" because apparently that's what "miles" sounds like to her...and i love it. and jacob, he is 6 months and couldn't be happier just hanging out. love those kids.

the thank-full part comes not only from having such a great family, but even more so because my brother was in an accident about two hours after leaving my parents house on sunday. the kind of accident that when you hear about it, or see the vehicle afterwards (which fortunately i haven't) you think "it's amazing they all made it out alive". the minivan he was driving flipped end over end and skid on its top down the middle of I-64W just west of Lexington, KY. thank-full because they all walked away. my sister-in-law had some stitches and a few other scrapes, my brother had a nice scrape from the road on his shoulder, but the kids were completely fine, just a few band-aids for gretchen and that was all. deep sigh. just praying that my brother can let go of the guilt of being the driver and accept the gift that they are all ok and learn to be thank-full for every moment. it's my little brother, and i just want to take care of him.

tagged

2007-05-23T11:14:00.000-04:00

so i was tagged by ang...and here are my 8 random facts:

1. you may not be aware that i was tagged because on the list of "non-bloggers" i am listed as "reverb", a nickname i acquired my freshman year of college from none other than angie herself upon giving me a nice whack on the tukas, which resulted in a strong reverberation from my less-than-tight posterior. as far as i know, until this point, only ang, my husband and i knew this story...now it's out there for the world, or at least the five people that know i have a blog!

2. i have moved 18 times in my 30 years...and i'm preparing for number 19.

3. number 19 will be dayton, ohio so that robert (husband) can attend med school at wright state university.

4. i LOVE roller coasters - the faster, more twisty, more upside-downy the better.

5. i have a SEVERE phobia of vomitting, not necessarily vomittting myself, because that rarely happens, but OTHER people vomitting - hear a person coughing in a restaurant, can't generally finish my meal because i'm convinced they're on the verge of puking.

6. i was on the dean's high honors list for 7 semesters in college...my last semester in college, i had a 1.49 gpa (serious burnout). in fact, my degree actually says i am a graduate in the year 2002 (not 1998 when i walked and when i tell everyone that i graduated) because i never wrote my senior colloq paper and ended up taking a class at malone college to complete the requirement. sad, but true.

7. shows that i watch that i really don't like to admit that i watch: american idol, how do i look? (style network), so you think you can dance (which starts tomorrow - woo-hoo!!!)

8. i just learned to knit last year, and i'm totally addicted.

things i love about today

2007-03-26T14:41:00.000-04:00

walking back to my office as slowly as possible to enjoy the warm sun and fresh air
eating lunch outside
80 degree days in March in Cleveland
passing by one of the libraries/museums on campus my way to the office and being able to smell the books from outside
the trees that are budding, almost ready to burst with color and the green pushing it's way up through the black earth
taking a walk last night with Robert
the feel of tree bark - whether it's smooth or rough

Spring really is quite good.

Peace be with you today - be outside

barbarians

2007-03-05T10:36:00.000-05:00

"...war does not simply bring death and destruction to those immediately involved. It also makes barbarians of us all. It makes people think of the immoral as necessary and evil acts as desirable." - Mano Singham

my grandpa

2007-02-26T13:35:00.000-05:00

this is my grandpa with me when i was about three or four. i haven't written about it yet, but he died on december 14. my dad and his brothers and my grandma were all with him at home. he had been in a lot of pain and was more than ready to take the next step of his journey. i know this was extremely difficult for my grandmother - he had been her companion for 60 years. and listening to my father talk about the devastating sound of his last breath was painful. we were all together for his funeral and it was a beautiful experience to see all of the people that had been changed by knowing this man who i was fortunate enough to have come from. watching my dad tell his father goodbye and i love you for the last time is a moment that will be permanently fixed in my memory. it was sad and intimate and vulnerable - watching my father, who is a very large man, be a child again, talking to his daddy.

my grandfather's life was and is, i believe, very full. and i miss him. i didn't see him as often as i would have liked, but the times we spent together - they were good.

hallelujah

2007-02-23T17:25:00.000-05:00

drove to Messiah College a couple of weeks ago for David Bazan and Sam Beam. it was a long and tiring weekend - 12 hours of driving in 2 days. but the music...

david started with "hallelujah" and i was in tears most of the night. raw...

We are all responsible

2007-01-22T10:58:00.000-05:00

25 July 2006

Dear Friends,
I have been following the news for the last two weeks as well as for the rest of my life.
Today I do not understand anything though I thought I would understand more.
I find it more and more difficult to take sides as most people do since I cannot see that all the justice is one side while the other is totally guilty.
I cannot see a difference between all the civilian victims.
I cannot see a difference between all those who carry weapons.
I cannot see a difference between all those who give the orders to kill.
I cannot divide people as “good” and “bad”.
I cannot trust any politician since they are all after keeping their chair as long as they can and many of them are willing to sell themselves to the devil for that purpose.
I cannot trust the media since it is all biased and misleading.
I cannot excuse anybody from personal responsibility since I believe that at any moment, whatever the situation is, it is the responsibility of everybody whether they are actively taking part or just watching from the side.
I do not want to let anybody destroy my humanity by filling me up with hate and anger towards others.
I choose not to follow anybody but to follow my conscience
I choose not to serve the ambitions of anybody but the ambitions of my humanity.
I choose not to be a tool in the hands of those who want to destroy but a tool in the hands of those who want to build.
I believe that wars and violence show how stupid we are and not how wise.
I believe that wars and violence come from the animal within us and not from the human, with my apologies to all of the friendly animals.
As it is true that we cannot make peace with the others as long as we are not in peace with ourselves it is also true that no nation can make peace with another as long as it does not have peace within itself.
My office is next to the swimming pool where groups of little children and kids come every day to swim. Some of them are Jewish and some are Palestinians and some are mixed. From the short distance where I watch them during my cigarette break I cannot tell who is who.
The screams and the shouts of their excitement sound the same whether they are Jews or Palestinians or others.
Who destroys the innocence of these kids?
If they do not fear each other now, then who and what make them fear each other when they are grownups?
Who poisons their minds?
Can we adults for once try to relearn our innocence from the kids, who have not been polluted yet?
Or do we think that we are much smarter than they are and that they have to believe in our fears which have been passed to us by our parents and grandparents.
Everything is mutual and the other is always our image.
If you want the respect of the others, then start to respect them first.
If you want the love of the other, then start to love them first.
If the others hate you or dislike you, then check why, within yourself, and not within them.
Peace and war are inevitable depending on what we choose.
Long live Wahat Assalam/Neve Shalom and all its inhabitants who are serving as an example for the entire world in spite of all the excuses that all the others are choosing to shackle themselves with.
Long live Neve Shalom/Wahat Assalam and its inhabitants who have chosen to be leaders, rather than followers like the majority of people today.
Long live all the parents in the Oasis of Peace for choosing this human reality for their children.
Long live the memory of Father Bruno Hussar who planted this seed to serve as a lesson for every individual about the infinite potential that each one of us has.
My sincere thanks and gratitude to all those who have chosen to put their weight into supporting and building this community that is giving hope and optimism to millions of people in our land and all over the world - in spite of all the petty issues that crop up here as in every other community.
The important thing is that we are on the right road.
Best wishes,
Rayek Rizek

recognition

2007-01-03T16:20:00.000-05:00

"For some of us, books are intrinsic to our sense of personal identity." - John Updike

communion

2006-12-06T16:22:00.000-05:00

terrible picture from a cell phone camera, but the blurry image that you see is the magic of Over the Rhine playing on the Kent Stage last night. to use a Father Rick phrase "my soul was arrested"... over and over again. teary-eyed and full, robert and i walked out of the theater hand in hand. oh that i could end every day that way. the room was my santuary; the music was my scripture; karin's voice was singing my prayers. i couldn't breathe. i was at peace.

2006-09-29T15:23:00.000-04:00

John Kuntz of The Plain Dealer took this photograph. The caption read "Holding the Hand of Peace" and under the photo, "Angelo Paolone, a worker with Shippers Highway Express Inc. holds the hand of a 13 foot bronze statue of Mahatma Ghandi as he and other worker place it on a base in the India section of the Rockefeller Gardens. It is to be unveiled in a ceremony Sunday." This statue of Gandhi is being installed just down the road from my house. I will be honored to walk with him. I hope through his presence overlooking this beautiful stretch of land people will be challenged to learn more about the way of peace.

I found it ironic and so appropriate that Eric wrote this today.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world" - Gandhi

legacy

2006-09-08T11:39:00.000-04:00

this is Dale Stivers, my grandpa, holding my sister's beautiful boy, Miles. my grandpa is an amazing soul and he is very sick. he has been sick most of my life in some way. his first of five heart attacks came at the age of 42 and the last happened at 2:00am the last Christmas we were all together in 1996. his heart has been severely damaged and he has been in "congestive heart failure" since 2001. but his heart has not failed...instead, this July he was diagnosed with cancer. it is somewhere in his liver or pancreas or something like that, we're not really certain. his heart is too weak for any kind of treatment.

my parents, my sister and her husband and son, and robert and i made the trek to southern illinois last weekend to visit my grandparents. this was the first time they had seen Miles and it was such a beautiful moment. i was overwhelmed at the sight of my grandfather holding Miles for the first time. i was keenly aware in that moment that all of us standing in that room were there because of this one man, my grandfather. because of him, we all existed in this time and space together...a family, four generations. he is such a beautiful, gentle man. he told the best stories to all of his grandchildren when we would visit. he took all of us fishing at one time or another. he loves deeply and well, and has always been grieved if he feels he has not represented Christ well. there are many stories that i will share with my children about their great-grandfather. like the time i was told my dad came home too late as a teenager and my grandpa took him out back and told him to choose a switch (to get a "whoopin'" as my dad would call it). after the switch was chosen, my grandpa handed it back to my dad and said "i will take your punishment for you." perhaps it seems dramatic, but that is just how he was - wanting to show grace and mercy. another of my favorite stories is the time my grandpa sold his house in the bathroom. apparently, when he was in the men's restroom at a restaurant, he got into a conversation with a young man that said he was looking for a house in the city where my grandparents lived. so, my grandpa said "i have a house. you can buy mine." the funny thing is, they weren't even discussing selling their home or moving. so, when he told my grandma about it upon returning to the table, she said "where are we going to live?" well, they sold the house and ended up finding a home a few miles away in the next town over. my grandpa is not owned by his possessions and lives simply. i hope i will eventually get there completely.

when he takes his last breath, whether it be in a few months as the doctors have said, a few weeks or years, he will have left an amazing legacy for all of those that came into contact with him. i am so honored to be a part of that legacy.

how sweet it is...

2006-06-06T15:42:00.000-04:00

just listening to a little live James Taylor. good times.

my wonderful husband indulged my art obsession for a couple of days in Madrid when we attempted to see most of the works at The Prado, the Thyssen-Bornemisza (which also contained this amazing collection), and the Reina Sofia. we failed miserably at The Prado (to see all of its works) - partly because there are just too many and partly because neither of us were very fond of the period of art that is prominently displayed there. i hate to seem judgemental about anyone's artwork, but it just wasn't my thing. however, when we got to the Thyssen, i was overwhelmed. the variety of art and artists was simply amazing. i have been to quite a few museums, but i must say that this was one of my favorites if that is possible. we spent hours wandering the rooms and halls on weary legs that had been walking the streets all day. i just couldn't tear myself away. the Reina Sofia was also quite wonderful - mainly modern and contemporary art. the most disappointing thing of this visit was not being able to see Picasso's Guernica due to renovation that had started two days prior to our arrival. deep sigh. it will have to wait for another visit i suppose.

the Thyssen website has most of it's collection available for online viewing and i highly recommend the break from whatever you are doing. enjoy dear friends. be changed.

the day

2006-05-30T16:37:00.000-04:00

my dear friend Amber was kind enough to capture our wedding for us and create a blog for us to share. she is amazing and i am fortunate to know her.

the ceremony was perfect to us...from the music (over the rhine "i want you to be my love", ben harper "happy everafter in your eyes" and "power of the gospel", sufjan stevens "come thou fount of every blessing", handel "pastoral symphony"...) to the words (amber wrote out our vows on the blog she created with our pictures), to the people who shared the evening with us. thank you to all.

spain was really quite wonderful and i will share pictures and stories very soon.

grace and peace to you tonight...

connection

2006-05-08T16:33:00.000-04:00

the following post is an update letter from the beautiful ones at Invisible Children. Robert and I joined 250 other people in downtown Cleveland last Saturday evening. We were also joined by others all over the world - in order to join with the children in Northern Uganda that travel from their villages to sleep in the city every night to avoid being kidnapped from their homes. We were all connected in that moment. It was quite powerful and overwhelming to think of the children trying to find safety as I slept in a place that I would normally never go - fearing my safety.

We had been there for a couple of hours already and were settling in, then up the hill came this large group of 50 people carrying their sleeping bags and their compassion. It felt good to be one. I was frustrated by some that seemed to forget the purpose and created on large sleep over party. However, I had to remind myself that they came. They were aware of the situation and they came.

May we continue to make people aware of the things that are happening around the world - in Northern Uganda, in East Timor, in Darfur. And the list goes on and we remain unaware.

grace and peace to you.

Invisible Children

2006-05-08T16:32:00.000-04:00

We don’t really know where to start…what an event.
Each city’s attendance exceeded their online sign-ups, and our expectations immeasurably. As our office staff reconvened from all over the U.S. we sat in disbelief at the lack of catastrophes: none injured by street traffic, no missing children, no creepy park dwellers, just peaceful, playful yet contemplative crowds. We feel like proud parents who just got home from the parent-teacher conference with word that OUR kid is the best in the class. Even the cops complimented us- about you. Now we want to compliment you too.

From the group in San Diego whose feet were bleeding from walking 21 miles barefoot to join us, to the 7 girls in Chicago who shaved their heads. From the New Yorkers who could be ‘laying but not sleeping’ on the sidewalk in a single file line, to the downpour on the Prom dresses in Franklin, Tennessee – you were a part of something memorable. Young, old, all races, all religions – the states united. If you were with us on this night, you must feel as we do: altered. Puzzle pieces come together to form a big beautiful picture – and for one night, more than 70,000 pieces joined the thousands in Northern Uganda, and slept outside.

Did you have a moment to stop? Did you look out through the morning mist, or rain, or snow, and think: there are kids who do this every night? Did you look at the bodies, on the ground and think – I can’t believe there are this many people who know about the night commuters in Northern Uganda, and this many people who care enough to do something. Continue to learn about this crisis, and stay involved. (It’s not too late to ask people to write the President, and your state’s Senators.)

Many of you may not have known, but Jacob (seen in the film “Invisible Children: Rough Cut” and now, on Oprah) flew in for the event and was in constant awe. He kept whispering to us, “I am so touched.” When speaking to the crowd that night he said, “I now know that you Americans care about the children of Northern Uganda.”

We feel the force of this movement, and the responsibility to continue moving forward.
Trust us, we are moving.

Apoyo matek means “beyond thank you” in Luo, which is one of the languages spoken in Northern Uganda. Thank you for being a part of something purposeful. Thank you for fighting for justice for people you may never meet, and knowing they deserve what you, and your own children would. Don’t for a moment think your being there didn’t make a difference. What an enormous victory for the people of Northern Uganda.

Stay tuned. This is only the beginning.

Much Love,
Your Friends at INVISIBLE CHILDREN

P.S.We have loved seeing your pictures and videos posted on Myspace, please burn them on a disk (highest res possible), or make dubs, and send them to our office.
Our address is :1810 Gillespie Way, San Diego, CA, 92020 attn: GNC photos

Also, when we do events like this, we hear stories of the incredible ways in which people have responded after seeing the film. Stories we would have otherwise never heard. WE WANT TO HEAR. From photos of you that your mom snapped mid-bake sale, to newspaper articles you or your friends were in, from school papers to national news, you MUST have copies of what you did for these kids, and we want a copy as well. Tell us all about your event, and send them to: Our address is :1810 Gillespie Way, San Diego, CA, 92020 attn: Danica

Miles

2006-04-17T15:23:00.000-04:00

man, my sister and her husband made one cute kid. seriously, don' t you just want to squeeze him?!?!?!?

better late than never

2006-04-17T15:15:00.000-04:00

i was privileged to spend Friday evening in deep remembrance of the pain and suffering of Christ. commemorating with other followers the moments leading up to and during the crucifixion. feabily trying to empathize with those who were there, with those who lost leader, a dear friend, a son. i have been acutely aware of the severe mercy of loss in recent weeks. although i have never met mark or amy or micah palmer, i have known them through their words for a few years now. on my journey towards marriage, the idea of that loss - the loss of a lover, a friend, a lifemate - is almost crippling. i find myself often in tears feeling the pain of one i do not know. we are all so connected.

thank you, david and jenn for helping me enter in the weekend being mindful of all that was and all that is and all that is to come. i am grateful. here's to more moments of awareness.

killin' time...

2006-04-14T09:06:00.000-04:00

...thanks to ang. i've totally got you beat on the squishiness.

Luke Skywalker
You scored 62% airiness, 94% squishiness, and 21% edginess!

According to our patented Jawamatic^TM technology, you are most like Luke Skywalker in personality.

Luke is a dreamer and a romantic. He's excited by possibilities and has strong core values that affect all his decisions. Luke is loyal and idealistic, always coming through for those he loves.

Luke is, in a word, heroic.

(The polar opposite of Luke Skywalker is Yoda.)

Take The Star Wars Personality Test

p.s.

2006-03-21T10:07:00.000-05:00

i promise that once the wedding planning stuff is over i will be able to have a normal conversation that does not include any of the following:

what my "colors" are
seating arrangements
getting addresses for invitations
and so much more...

i would love to talk about:

traveling mercies and why i'm expectantly awaiting Anne Lamott on April 7
how every morning i will the tulips and daffodils that have sprouted outside my house to stay alive...that i'm hoping just as they are that eventually the sun will come out to stay
the blood red sky that i saw out my window last night as the sun was setting behind the lake
how i'm struggling to get out of the pattern of my upbringing when it comes to my relationship with food

soon...

planning is so not my thing...

2006-03-21T09:56:00.000-05:00

so, i need to figure out what music i want for the wedding and i'm having a hard time putting my arms around it.

Is "And So It Goes" (Billy Joel) a bit too sad for the special day? because i do believe it gets the message across.

here's what i know so far:
the lord's prayer (hopefully sung by the one and only Dana Baker, if he gets back to me with a "yes". so, if you'd like to help in the coercing, please feel free.)
pastoral symphony from The Messiah (for the girls to walk in)

a few considerations have been "brother, let me be your servant" and "bridge over troubled water"

any advice?

i'll be there

2006-03-08T15:44:00.000-05:00

there are times when i think i work at the best place ever...

A CONVERSATION WITH ANNE LAMOTT
Hosted by Timothy K. Beal
Friday, April 7, 4:30 pm
Amasa Stone Chapel, 10940 Euclid Avenue

Doors open to Case community members at 3:30 pm, and to the general public at 4:00 pm

Sponsored by the Rose Wohlgemuth Weisman Women's Voices Lecture Series.

“Reading Lamott is like having a chat with one of the angels,
a smarter, wittier one.” — The Denver Post

Anne Lamott writes and speaks about subjects that begin with capital letters: Alcoholism, Motherhood, Jesus. She does so armed with self-effacing humor and ruthless honesty. Since her first novel, which she wrote for her father when he was diagnosed with brain cancer, Anne Lamott writes about loss – loss of loved ones and loss of personal control. She doesn’t try to sugar-coat the sadness, frustration, and disappointment, but tells her stories with compassion and a pure voice. Anne Lamott says, “I have a lot of hope and a lot of faith and I struggle to communicate that.” In her books and in person, Anne Lamott lifts, comforts, and inspires, all the while keeping us laughing.

Anne Lamott is the author four best-selling books of non-fiction: Operating Instructions, an account of life as a single mother during her son’s first year; Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life, a guide to writing and the challenges of a writer’s life; Traveling Mercies, a collection of autobiographical essays on faith; and Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith. She is author of six novels: Hard Laughter, Rosie, Joe Jones, All New People, and Crooked Little Heart. A Guggenheim Fellow, she has taught at U.C. Davis and at writing conferences across the country. Lamott’s biweekly online diary in Salon Magazine, called “Word by Word,” was voted “The Best of the Web” by Time magazine. Filmmaker Freida Mock (who won an Academy Award for her documentary on Maya Lin) has made a documentary on Anne Lamott, “Bird by Bird with Annie” (1999).

Making a Fast

2006-03-07T09:02:00.000-05:00

LORD LET ME MAKE A FAST,
from all those things
that have filled my belly
for so long.
Bloated from excesses,
slowed and dulled and
numbed in spirit.
Lord, let me make a fast
from those POISONS I have called
nourishment,
from the POVERTY I have called
wealth,
from that SHALLOWNESS I have called
depth,
from any MEAGERNESS I have called
abundance.
I am ready to go out with You
to be emptied
in whatever desert will be mine.
Lord let me make a fast.
May I fast from SPEED.
May I drive more slowly.
May I remove these shoes that help me walk
quickly,
and with great purpose -
and may my feet contact your earth,
slowly
and
with great care,
with gentleness
and
with much respect.
May I walk as your calm presence in this world.
May my voice be lower, slower.
May it be a voice more understood
by those whose ears are failing;
a safer voice that does not make the listener
ask again,
a voice that comforts in its tones.
May I be your slow and soothing, still small voice.
May there be breeze where I have passed,
not cyclone,
not chaos,
not whirlwind sense of things of great import,
but only the echoing whisper of
where you have walked.
Lord, may I fast from SPEED.

May I fast from BUSYNESS.
May I learn to bless my simple be-ing,
and may I come to know that be-ing
as the fertile soil that roots and grounds
my do-ing.
May my days be less full, less likely to implode,
collapsing in on themselves, a black hole
dense with all those tasks, commitments,
things
I simply cannot cease to do,
for fear the world - indeed, the universe -
will
cease along with them.
Instead, may there be holes and gaps,
may there be light,
great periods of wicked, wasteful idleness,
that devil's workshop
transformed as, slowly, I come to trust
that You are there
in the quiet,
in the calm,
in the vacuum
of nothing planned to do
but be alive,
that being quite enough.
Lord, may I fast from BUSYNESS.

Lord, may I fast from FEAR.
May I come out from my hiding.
May I know sun and snow,
wind and rain,
feel heat and cold
as armor drops
to only such protection as I need,
no less, but most assuredly
no more.
May I befriend the shadow.
May I coax it out of hiding,
remove its ban of excommunication,
bring it back from exile.
May I embrace that darker side
that I have banished for so long,
beaten down, denied,
and my I own it fully.
May I give shadow energy a voice,
and come to know that healing lies in unity,
polarities in tension,
but
never in denial.
Lord, may I fast from FEAR.

May fasting time be sacrament,
outward sign, inward grace;
empty belly, an open space wherein You
might dwell
replacing illusion of fullness.
LORD LET ME MAKE A FAST.

by Gloria Carpeneto

lookin' forward

2006-02-23T13:41:00.000-05:00

i've opened this page to write an entry many times over the last few weeks but have always gotten interrupted (which is probably ok since i'm actually supposed to be working).

wedding planning has consumed my life, which on one hand seems very very sad...and on the other, not so bad at all. the things i've enjoyed most:

finding beautiful locations for both the ceremony and the reception
working on the ceremony with someone that really knows
having friends and family bring the food - informal and intimate like a living room
knowing robert and i are working on and towards something so much bigger
planning vacation in spain!!!

things i've not really enjoyed so much:

feeling the need to please everyone
having to invite family that we never see because we should, and not being able to include some friends because we can only have so many people (which goes along with #1)
all of the crazy little details
the constant barrage of questions "what are you going to do?" "where does this go?" "what are you going to do with that?" "what do you think about this?" (i think everyone is getting a little impatient with the "i don't know, i haven't really thought of it" answer...especially since we're almost only 2 months away)

i am looking forward to it though...sharing and making this covenant with robert; sharing this day with people that i love, that have become part of who i am along the way; making the public declaration that we will continue becoming, hand-in-hand until death. it's overwhelming and beautiful and i am grateful. any wisdom from all of my wonderful married friends is always welcome...

walden pond (really lake erie, but a girl can dream)

2006-01-27T11:22:00.000-05:00

"I went to the woods ..." - Thoreau

i have the privilege of living on the lake. it is beautiful and healing being near the water and i love it. i couldn't imagine a better place to live.

when i got home from work last night, the sun was just under the horizon, turning the day into night. it was stunning and i was a part of it.

there is an enormous tree in my backyard that i can see from my living room window. it is so old and it stretches it's long, wide arms across the yard. over the years, its limbs have begun to grow at odd angles and at some point the owners, in order to save this magnificent tree, put braces under some of its limbs. they also added many wires stretching from limb to limb in order to encourage it to grow upward as opposed to straight outward - and risk growing into the house or breaking under the great weight.

as i stood and stared at this tree in the fading light, i was moved by it's lesson. by the lot of us questioners stretching our-selves out across this place, yet anchored together by the roots, by Grace and Its Giver. there is so much more to be said...

list time

2006-01-25T10:30:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the tag, ang. I suppose that's one way to get me to finally post!

Four jobs I’ve had in my life:
1. Marketing Specialist
2. Executive Aide
3. Associate Consultant
4. Toner Cartridge Re-manufacturer (good 'ol Smartcopy in Mt. Vernon)

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Shawshank Redemption
2. Dead Poet's Society
3. French Kiss
4. Breakfast Club

Four places I have lived (I only get four? but there are 14!!):
1. Cleveland, OH
2. Cincinnati, OH
3. Mendon, MI
4. Effingham, IL (that one's for Leah (Brisker) Shockey who laughs every time she drives through "f"ing ham!)

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Everwood
2. Related
3. CSI
4. The Office

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Asuncion, Paraguay
2. Paris
3. Key West
4. Miami

Four websites I visit daily:
1. overhearinnewyork.com (thanks ang for a little sanity during the work day)
2. webmail.adelpiha.net (email)
3. case.edu (work-related)
4. many blogs (read sometimes while working)

Four of my favorite foods:
1. mexican anything
2. pad thai noodles
3. many pizzas at California Pizza Kitchen
4. many things at Aladdin's

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. at my apartment
2. on the beach, warm sun on my face
3. spending time with robert
4. sleeping

Four bloggers I am tagging:
1. Amber (mama musing)
2. James (the simple stuff)
3. Brandon (the kingdom is actual)
4. Mike (Redcay)

if only...

2006-01-09T14:36:00.000-05:00

thank you.

i am thankful for those who will set down in the midst of violence to offer up their life. may i be one of them.

o come, o come emmanuel

2005-12-23T13:25:00.000-05:00

...Bring your peace into our violence
Bid our hungry souls be filled
Word now breaking Heaven’s silence
Welcome to our world
Welcome to our world

Fragile finger sent to heal us
Tender brow prepared for thorn
Tiny heart whose blood will save us
Unto us is born
Unto us is born

So wrap our injured flesh around you
Breathe our air and walk our sod
Rob our sin and make us holy
Perfect Son of God
Perfect Son of God

Welcome to our world
- Chris Rice

may we welcome the Christ in all we encounter.
be well. go under the grace.

peace.

perhaps i need a new wardrobe

2005-12-14T16:34:00.000-05:00

Well, you wonder why I always dress in black,
Why you never see bright colors on my back,
And why does my appearance seem to have a somber tone.
Well, there's a reason for the things that I have on.
I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down,
Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town,
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime,
But is there because he's a victim of the times.
I wear the black for those who never read,
Or listened to the words that Jesus said,
About the road to happiness through love and charity,
Why, you'd think He's talking straight to you and me.
Well, we're doin' mighty fine, I do suppose,
In our streak of lightnin' cars and fancy clothes,
But just so we're reminded of the ones who are held back,
Up front there ought 'a be a Man In Black.
I wear it for the sick and lonely old,
For the reckless ones whose bad trip left them cold,
I wear the black in mournin' for the lives that could have been,
Each week we lose a hundred fine young men.
And, I wear it for the thousands who have died,
Believen' that the Lord was on their side,
I wear it for another hundred thousand who have died,
Believen' that we all were on their side.
Well, there's things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin' everywhere you go,
But 'til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You'll never see me wear a suit of white.
Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter,
I'm the Man In Black.

anonymity

2005-12-12T16:24:00.000-05:00

i got an email from a person i went to college with wondering who i was because i had created a link to his page from this one. this world of "blogging" is so interesting. i have been reading so many different pages from people that i've known in the past, and even some strangers. it is interesting how you can feel close to a person through their words, through their questions that are also your own. i think it can be very beneficial to know that you're not alone on the journey. however it also makes it so easy to have artificial relationships. most of the people that i've been "in touch" with through weblogs have no idea that i've been reading their words, and relating to their writing. it's a way of staying connected without having to truly connect. i've noticed this pattern often and it is something that needs to be broken.

one foot in front of the other...

dirty people

2005-12-09T16:28:00.000-05:00

I want a Jesus who invites dirty people to his Father's table because his Father is deeply in love with them - John Frye at http://jesustheradicalpastor.blogspot.com/

i have been thinking lately about the openness that some have in their communities - with tangible, outward expressions as simple as leaving their doors unlocked so that all are welcome at any time. my first reaction to this revelation is "how unsafe. aren't they afraid of robbery or violence?" as a woman living alone, this idea, although in theory and symbolism very beautiful, is very frightening to me. when i am already uncomfortable at times when i'm all locked and cozy inside, how would i be able to handle the knowledge that someone could walk in at any time?
i was thinking of the above quote and wondering what my life could look like if i were to truly open up my life to those around me, to open my home because i was deeply in love. part of me naively wonders, would they come back and take what i have - television, computer, etc? and what if they did? what would i have lost? why do i have those things anyway? are they my possessions or am i theirs? what are they adding to my life? to my faith? to my journey? what if i lived in simplicity as i say i would like to?
so many questions...

helpless

2005-12-06T12:12:00.000-05:00

when i read posts like this http://blog.case.edu/mxs24/2005/12/06/the_world_reaction_to_atrocities i feel called to action. however, when i search myself to find what action that might be, i feel helpless. what could I possibly do to make a difference in this situation and so many others? i have been asking this question for years now...

distance

2005-12-06T10:23:00.000-05:00

A friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one who is at hand. Is not the mountain far more awe-inspiring and more clearly visible to one passing through the valley than to those who inhabit the mountain?
Kahlil Gibran

to all of my far away friends...know that you are near.

2005-12-02T14:31:00.000-05:00

i first saw this sculpture at Musee Rodin in Paris five years ago. i don't know what it is about the art form of sculpture that resonates within me but i am deeply moved. there is so much that this one beautiful work of art can communicate - the moment before a relationship begins, the healing touch of a friend, allowing vulnerability, a graceful dance and on and on and on.

i hope it moves you.

Le Cathedrale, Rodin

quiet of winter

2005-12-01T10:29:00.000-05:00

i battle the coming of winter. i don't like being cold. i have to be careful or i will find myself face down, kicking and screaming in a full blown internal tantrum regarding the bitterness and barrenness outside. and i am ashamed. so, i take a deep breath and try to let the quiet in. that is one thing that no other season can provide - the silence of winter. spring is full of the eruption of leaves and flowers and the birth of so many things after the long death. summer nights give us the constant hum of crickets. autumn comes with the violence of forests on fire with color and the wind rustling through the leaves that are beginning to fall. but winter... the snow falls over the naked earth, the animals are all sleeping, night falls fast. it reminds me to slow down, to rest, to curl up under the blanket of snow and the hours of darkness, to retreat deep into the earth for renewal, for the spring that will come. the process is beautiful - both for the earth and for me. if only i could remember.